Communicating.

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American Hustle. Wasn’t a bad movie but wasn’t the greatest movie. I love Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper pairing, especially in Silver Linings Playbook. The movie had funny moments and serious moments and the plot was well thought out. However, at the end I thought they accomplished nothing. I don’t know, the ending really didn’t do it for me.

I also stopped midway through the movie to play Payout 2 on the Xbox 360. So, maybe I lost the storyline of the movie by the time I got to the end. Anyways, it was a good movie.

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Payout 2 is a mind boggling game because every time you start a bank heist over the map of the bank changes. Meaning, where the security room once was, isn’t anymore the next time you retry the heist, as well as the safe (it keeps moving too). I love that it keeps changing because it keeps the game interesting and you need to keep coming up with a new strategy to complete the heist.

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I also played Don’t Starve on the Playstation 4. I love that game. It is a survival game where you must collect things and build and axe, fire, armor, etc. to live. Little side stories are added like a portal to enter 5 chapters or worlds to save another character Walter. When it’s nightfall you must have a fire or else beasts get you, and in the day time you may run into beasts as well and fight them. It’s a very fun survival game. It’s an indie game, and the art is awesome I love it.

Overall, that’s what today consisted of along with shoveling some snow a bit off my steps and driveway, and hearing that my cousin who is autistic ripped part of her ear off again. I have twin cousins who are severely autistic and I always always feel so bad that their condition will never get better. I remember as a kid I used to watch them as babies and they knew somewhat who I was, one knew better than the other. I wish they could communicate better, I feel their frustration when they can’t express what they want or need.

They’re 16 now, getting big and their behaviors are controlled but my aunt and uncle are getting very old. I just worry what will happen when they’re too big and too severe for my elderly relatives. They have great teachers that come over daily to help at least.

Man, do we take communicating for granted like understanding movies (such as American Hustle) and talking about it afterwards, understanding games (like Payout 2 and Don’t Starve), or simply expressing how we feel. Imagine not being able to understand and fully enjoy any movie or game and not be able to communicate to others how we feel about that movie or game. We don’t realize that communicating is so important and it’s frustrating when we can’t get our points across clearly for others to understand.

It’s the small things like that we should be thankful for when we think we have it rough or just having a shitty day.

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Connections.

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I love baking, and as far as I know my friends love my baking. Yesterday, I baked pretzel M&M cookies for a group of friends that were upset about a coworkers passing.

It’s weird how one way or another, whether we realize it or not, that we are all connected. I mean where I’m from everyone knows everyone somehow even though we live in a big city/big borough.

Recently, a coworker of my friends had passed due to an injury caused by a dispute between two people he was mistakenly blamed for. I went to the wake to support my friends and their fellow coworkers.

As they were swapping stories, I was told the man who passed had my baking and enjoyed it (occasionally I would bake for them and I guess some was passed along to him and he loved it). I didn’t even know that I was connected to his life through my baking and I didn’t even know him.

It’s kind of like being in the background of someone’s photo then meeting them years later and seeing that photo and being in shock that you were connected to them earlier without even knowing. Unfortunately, in this case, I met him and realized my connection with him too late.

Imagine all the people you bump into, hold doors for, glance and smile hello at for no reason, lend a pen to, let them cross the street before continuing to drive, bake for a group and they get it, or anything.

What I’m trying to say is we all impact each other’s lives whether we notice it or not. I did not know him, but I’m glad he enjoyed my baking and brightened his day that day (that is, if it did brighten his day (I’d like to think so)).

I never really thought if I could ever impact someone’s life with what I say or do. But, I’ve been told by people that I’m a great listener, I’m their best friend even though they don’t see me often, I give good advice, I’m a great friend, I’ve made them feel better about themselves, and yada yada.

I appreciate and love all those comments but I still feel no connection with others. (I have few long-term friends, many many acquaintances, three best friends, and friends I talk to daily and give advice to but never hang out with) Everyone leaves whether it was because of a fallout or not. People fade for no reason sometimes. However, while the friendship is there or not I am always there for anyone whenever they need me (past or present, friend or “enemy”).

Connections between a person, whether it be known or not, effects each and every one of us like a domino. I never talk shit, I never backstab, I literally just let everything be no matter how much I question it, no matter how scared I am about losing someone, no matter how much I know a person is backstabbing or betraying me.

Just let it go.

We are all connected no matter how hard we try to cut a person out of our lives (Especially with social media around and texting). We will all forever be connected.

So be nice to one another. It is not being fake, it’s called being civil and not causing drama over stupid shit that will mean absolutely nothing in the future to either parties fighting and wondering why they were fighting in the first place.

I am so over fighting with people and people picking and whose doing what, where, with who, are they taking pictures, are they having sex, are they drinking, are they living life, if they don’t post it they’re losers, whose secretly texting who, whose cheating through social media, blah blah. This generation makes me tired and I’m apart of this generation.

I used to be all about drinking and partying and gossiping, but we are all in this life together doing the same bullshit in different ways. Fuck it. Do what makes you happy. You really can’t please everyone and everyone can’t please you.

I just want to bake, play zelda, watch movies, watch Netflix, enjoy the new TV shows I’ve been watching (just finished breaking bad (I’m late I know)), hang out with new friends, drink occasionally, and enjoy life MY way and not they way people expect by showing off in social medias and doing what the crowd does (I’m tired of doing what the crowd does).

But like I said, we are all connected in someway and I know I will find the connections I’m looking for eventually with people who won’t leave my side, I just haven’t met them yet.

(If there is a topic anyone wants me to rant about let me know or if there’s an interesting topic in my writing that you want me to expand on let me know)

The Start?

Where do I start? I’ve never had a blog before or confided to a person nor a journal or diary. My grammar isn’t perfect and most likely I will type the way thoughts flow into my head. I am a person with anxiety, I overthink, I overanalyze, and I always expect nothing good to come my way although I do hope for a lot of things.

I’ve always wanted to start a blog, but I always don’t know where to start. Do I start by telling my life story and all my “struggles” (we all have different standards of what is a “struggle”) or do I start by telling my daily thoughts and letting my life experiences unfold after each post? I have a lot of side thoughts and over explain things (like this).

Maybe its anxiety, maybe it is just overthinking, but I think it is time I finally get my thoughts all out somewhere since I really have noone to confide in because everyone I have ever trusted or “loved” (you question that after things end and you reflect back) has left me, whether it was my fault or not.

This blog is just about daily thoughts, what I’m currently experiencing, what I have experienced, my hopes, but mainly just what is on my overloaded mind. I never claimed to be interesting, so if you enjoy, please enjoy. I write the way thoughts come to me, so punctuation and grammar really don’t matter to me here. I just need a space to express myself and finally find others that I can relate to. Or, maybe others are looking for my story to relate to. Blogs are about relating to one another, eh?

In person I am not a serious person at all. I joke a lot, but I know when to be serious. I just need a space where I can express both sides of me and not just the jokester/smiling mask I wear daily.

This is a long post. I wonder if my following posts will be just as long. This is me.